Manners book summary (Updated March 2021)

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Manners Will Take You Where Brains and Money Won’t:

Wisdom from Momma and 35 years at NASA

Donald G. James with Captain Dennis D. James

Background:

This book is first and foremost a tribute to our mother, Muriel Yvonne Gassett James. Without her love, patience, perseverance, we would not be the men we are. We turned out fine and thank God, Momma lived long enough to see us get into orbit and stay there.

Manners and proper English, both verbally and in writing, were a big deal for Momma. As an English and French teacher, Momma insisted on proper conventions. She was convinced that a dangling participle, uncombed Afro - when we had hair - or an unacknowledged gift, were life’s debris. “It is your neighborhood,” she would say. “Keep it clean and right, so they can’t use it against you.” What she meant by “they” were people who could help or harm you. Do not give anyone a reason to harm you she would say. Give them a reason to help you.

I often spoke to students, young adults, and early-career people about my career experiences. I shared the lessons I learned from my mother. They are timeless and have served me well. I am convinced that without Momma’s lessons I would not have made it as far as I did at NASA. My record is far from perfect as many former colleagues will eagerly point out.

But I believed this to be true: if I was not the smartest guy in the room, or the most experienced – often the case - I knew how to engage people and carry myself in a way that usually - but certainly not always - engendered cordiality, respect, reliability and trust. I had good manners – albeit with occasional lapses in mannerly judgment. I am convinced my manners helped, and at least did not hinder, my overall career trajectory. Doors opened that may have remained shut had I showed poor manners. Opportunities presented themselves that may have been mysteriously absent had I assumed my knowledge, skills, abilities or credentials alone would carry the day. People were willing, at some risk to their own reputation, to help, endorse or support me.

I know people who are far more intelligent and capable than I am whose career’s stalled or crashed because they did not present with good manners. It does not matter if you are qualified for a job if you have poor manners. Of course, you must possess certain skills, capabilities and qualifications to do most jobs. You will never become a pilot just because you have good manners. You have to know how to fly the plane! But if you are competing with others who are equally qualified, I contend your manners will make the difference. This is what I believe helped me to reach my dream job as Associate Administrator for Education at NASA.

We need to have an honest conversation about manners even though it can (and should) touch on delicate and sensitive matters. Manners are complex because human dynamics are complex. One person’s assumed good manners are another’s perceived slight. Everyone, including me, has a view about the right way to be, what is good behavior, or what is acceptable in the home, the school or the workplace. Human interaction dynamics evolve. Rules, policies, standards, conventions of what is acceptable and what is not have evolved.

This book integrates what my mother taught my brother and me about the importance of good manners with lessons I have learned from my 35-year experience with NASA and what I gained from personal development training inside and outside of NASA. I want to offer my perspectives to young people, especially early-career people, as they consider their futures.

Momma believed the key to success was not how (book) smart you were, or how rich you were, but in how you treated people and how you showed up in the world. Momma did not lecture us on this. Her wisdom just oozed out over time. Do you know smart people who failed? The prisons are populated with smart people. Why? Do you know people who have a lot of money, yet are unhappy? How does this happen?

I am not arguing that having good manners is sufficient to have a meaningful and successful career. NASA will never select you to be an Astronaut because you were prompt for your interview, dressed properly, exhibited the best rapport, and wrote a nice handwritten thank you note. But I do not care if you graduated from high school with a 6.8 GPA, got a perfect SAT score, invented a new programming language, and went on graduate magna magna and more magna from MIT. If you DO show up late for your interview and proceed to blame your dog for eating your alarm clock and the stupid traffic, then, well, you may not make it to orbit.

There is a lot more to success than good manners. Good judgment is one example. I believe one’s career journey will be difficult without being skilled in manners. I wrote this book to help people, especially young people, who are starting their journey. You, the reader, may be in high school looking forward to college, or are new to college looking toward the next step, or perhaps you skipped college to start your own business. Maybe you are an early-career professional who is interested in knowing what it takes to “make it to the top.” (Spoiler alert #1: brains and money - and looks - are not sufficient).

You may also be a parent or guardian interested in helping your child as she navigates her young life’s stormy seas. Your role is critical. You understand that there are at least four factors that will influence your young charge: what you give her; what you do (or do not do) to him, what you tell them, and how you live your own life. (Spoiler alert #2: look behind door #4).

The Table of Contents

Prologue COVID-19

Foreword Congressman Eric Swalwell

Introduction My NASA Career - the Beginning

Chapters

1 Momma’s Rules

2 Know Thyself

3 Vision Accomplished

4 Pink Suits

5 What Elephant in the Room?

6 My Two-Thousand Dollar Suit

7 Authentic Presence

8 Am I Being Interviewed?

9 Injustice and Manners

10 Who’s on Your Team?

11 Pulling Your Team Together

12 Money, Brains & Success

13 Giving Attention

14 Manners in Practice

Prologue COVID-19

After I finished the draft of this book in early 2020, the world experienced an unprecedented event: The Coronavirus, or COVID-19 pandemic. As you read these words, I suspect the pandemic’s devastating impact is still being felt. My heart is heavy over the loss of life and the life-changing impact on so many people world-wide.

The pandemic changed our behavior overnight, from “physical distancing,” to quarantining, to enhanced hygienic measures, not to mention the cessation of a vast portion of the economy. The pandemic, as well as more recent social unrest, forced me to rethink the relevance of this book’s message. As you read these words, you may know some of the answers to the questions I currently have: will the vaccines save the day? Will we all go back to business as usual? Will the economy, ravaged by this virus, recover? How will our interactions with each other change? Will exposed societal inequities and justice matters be addressed? Will the tide of systemic racism recede enough for all to live fully in peace? Though I don’t know the answers to these questions, after much consideration, I still believe the messages and principles in this book apply. Only you, my reader, can determine how the principles apply to you for today, tomorrow and beyond.

Introduction: My NASA Career – the beginning (this is the entire text of the book’s Introduction)

“Phone, Don,” my Dad shouted from upstairs, waking me up. The black-out curtains made it easy for me to sleep late never knowing if the sun was out or not. It was another hot muggy summer day in Potomac, Maryland. I went to the den to get the phone, still a bit foggy.

“Hi Donald, this is James, James Snyder from Goddard.”

I’d met James the day before at my interview at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland. It was 1982 and I was fresh out of graduate school and still living with my dad, my stepmother, and their two children. I was a newly minted Presidential Management Intern (PMI) and Goddard had sent me a letter asking me to apply. NASA was not my first choice for where I wanted to work in the Federal Government. I had just earned a master’s degree in international development and wanted to save the world from the scourges of poverty and economic destitution.

To this day I do not know why NASA plucked my resume out of the pile of PMI’s as we were known. Perhaps they dug deep into my academic history to learn that I’d studied aerospace engineering in college, but that seemed improbable. I’d only majored in “Aero” for a year before switching to international relations my sophomore year.

My father convinced me to do the interview even if I didn’t plan to work at NASA. He said practicing interviewing was important and the “best way to learn is to do.” So I did. I had been honest with the NASA interviewers. I’d shared my desire to secure a position with the Agency for International Development or the State Department. I said I would definitely keep NASA in mind. I was sincere about that. I picked up the phone.

“Donald, I’m pleased to let you know that we are extending you a job offer. Our interview team was pretty impressed,” James announced.

I considered my response carefully, still clearing cobwebs after a long night’s sleep. I thanked James for the call and the offer. I was honored. I told him that I wanted to think about this as I was still looking at working in the international development field. I probably said, “I will get back to you” –a cliché code-phrase often heard as “he isn’t calling back.”

The next morning James called again asking me if I had thought about it. I gave the same answer as the day before. This went on for three days straight. On day four, my father said in his usual diplomatic way (after all, he was a diplomat), “Son, you may want to consider taking this offer. It is an actual job, you know.” His suggestion included a not-so-subtle reminder that my efforts to take my newly earned PMI badge of honor to the United States Agency for International Development or the State Department was not bearing fruit. I had nothing, and NASA was offering.

“You can always work at NASA for three to five years, get some solid experience and then try to transfer to do what you want to do.” It was a reasonable strategy and good advice.

I called James that day to accept. I didn’t reveal my strategy to do this for three to five years and then move on to save the world from the scourges of poverty and economic destitution. I had a plan. Or so I thought.

Several months later, I received some interesting feedback from James about my job interview. Apparently, I did everything properly. He commented on how I’d dressed compared with one of the other interviewees. I’d worn a dark suit, red tie and white shirt. My shoes were polished, and I sported a fresh clean haircut. In the profound words of Tyler Perry’s Madea character from the movie “Madea’s Family Reunion,” I was “casket sharp.”

James confided that another interviewee had arrived with a bit of a swagger sporting sunglasses, an open collar shirt, blazer and a gold chain around his neck. I got the impression that his attire alone may have doomed his interview.

James also talked about my responses to their questions. He said it was both what I said and how I said it. He implied that I was responsive to the questions, to the point, and sufficiently self-deprecating to inoculate myself against arrogance. He went on to share what the Goddard interviewers, including him, thought about my overall performance in their post-interview assessment, after I’d left the interview. What amazed me were the things they apparently noticed. It didn’t seem to matter that I couldn’t calculate aspect-ratios, delta-V’s, or solve a differential equation to save my life. What did matter? Well that is the point of this book. I believe manners made the difference. I ended up working at NASA for thirty-five years, ascending to the highest level a United States federal civil servant can reach.

I began as a GS-9 civil servant working in procurement at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center and ended my career as a senior executive serving as the Associate Administrator for Education at NASA Headquarters. In between I moved back to California and worked in public affairs and education at NASA’s Ames Research Center. I enjoyed challenging and fascinating projects and worked with and for incredibly smart people. My career launch upward began in 2004, when I was accepted into the Senior Executive Service—Candidate Development Program. This program was how NASA trained its next generation of senior leaders. With the support of many, some perseverance, and guidance from the universe’s gracious power, I managed to rise to the top rung of NASA leadership. At the end of my career, there was only one person separating me from the President of the United States. How was this possible for a man with a B average, modest SAT scores with degrees in International Relations and Economics?

I want to emphasize something I believe strongly. A former boss and someone I consider a mentor and key to my growth at NASA once said, “There are many paths to the throne.” I didn’t appreciate his wisdom at first, but the words stuck with me. Here’s what I believe about that statement: There is no one right way to a fulfilling career and life. There is no one answer, but good manners can hold a significant place in the journey.

The domain of “manners” can be viewed similarly to the domain of “space exploration.” Space exploration can include a lot of things and has many subsets and overlaps: examples include human exploration, space science, planetary geology, astronomy, astrobiology, or exobiology. There’s a lot inside the box. Manners is like that. Manners is the way people show up to others and oneself. They are the way in which we exist.

NASA

Without Momma’s lessons I wouldn’t have made it as far as I did in my NASA career that culminated in my dream job as Associate Administrator for Education. Manners and proper English, both verbally and in writing, were a big deal for Momma. As an English and French teacher, Momma insisted on proper, respectful conventions. She taught at a school with many immigrants, particularly from Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos. She insisted on calling her students by their birth names and pronouncing them correctly. She was also convinced that a dangling participle, uncombed Afro, or unacknowledged gift, were life’s debris. “It’s your neighborhood,” she would say. “Keep it clean and right, so they can’t use it against you.” What she meant by “they” were people who could help you or harm you. “Do not give anyone a reason to harm you,” she would say. “Give them a reason to help you.”

Momma believed the key to success lies in not how “book smart” you were, or how rich, but in how you treated people and how you showed up in the world. Our prisons are populated with smart people. The world is full of unhappy people who have a lot of money. Momma didn’t lecture; she just showed up in her truth and let her wisdom ooze out over time.

As a young, naïve NASA hire, if I wasn’t the smartest guy in the room (and I certainly was not), or the most experienced (for certain), I did know how to engage people and carry myself in a way that usually engendered cordiality, respect and trust. I had good manners, albeit with occasional lapses in judgment. Doors opened that may have remained shut had I shown poor manners (that often equal poor judgment). Opportunities presented themselves that may have been mysteriously absent had I assumed my knowledge, skills, abilities or credentials alone would carry the day. People were willing, at some risk to their own reputation, to help, endorse or support me along the way, enabling me to reach my dream job at NASA, a job for which I competed against more than eighty candidates.

Toward the end of my career, I became interested in sharing what I’d learned from my NASA and non-NASA trainings. During a question and answer session, a young man asked me how I might advise my twenty-five-year-old self if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now.

“Great question.” I replied. After some thought, I answered, “I would tell young Donald to say “yes” more to opportunities, and really work on his manners.”

What do I mean by manners? I’m speaking of more than just civility, etiquette, or politeness. Though manners encompass a broad range of skills, manners are more than learned skills. Manners are a way of being that is rooted in one’s essence.

Everyone has a view about the “right” way to be, what good behavior is, or what’s acceptable in the home, school or workplace. The dynamics and values of human interaction evolve. Rules, policies, standards, and conventions of what is acceptable change. Manners can be situational and also shift over time. What may have been bad manners when I began my career (not wearing a tie to work) may be acceptable now. What might have been tolerated then (jokes of a racial or sexual nature) isn’t now. When I speak about manners, I’m not talking about “please” and “thank you.” I’m talking about good/appropriate manners for our time—the second and third decade of the third millennium. My view of manners is quite broad, as I hope this book reveals.

The Book’s Organization: Story as Teaching

As a former NASA leader, early-career professionals have sought my advice about advancement and “making it” in the work world, particularly at a place like NASA. Invariably, the talks and speeches I offer include lessons from Momma, especially the lesson that became the title of this book, “Manners will take you where brains and money won’t.”

Although I’ve written this book primarily for early-career professionals, it is my hope that it will also inspire and support high school students and college students on their journey. My intention is that this book will benefit anyone who reads it whether they fit those target audience categories or not. Perhaps just viewing the world through the lens of manners will open new possibilities for opportunity, fulfillment and meaning.

In this book, I draw on stories, both personal and from my experiences at NASA, that serve to illustrate a manners point or one of Momma’s Rules. Each chapter opens with a story that illustrates to some degree the point of that chapter. This is not a scholarly book. I strive to point out where I’ve been directly influenced by others. My messages emerge from the synthesis of my experience, training and learning. My training was not limited to NASA. I’ve always been and continue to be a “learning junkie.” In my twenties and early thirties, I was introduced to two deeply impactful, and personally meaningful trainings. The first was the “Est” seminar, created by Werner Erhard and the second, an intense weekend for men called the “Men’s Weekend,” created by A. Justin Sterling. Both were somewhat controversial. My experience with them was powerful and life-affirming. Those experiences profoundly shaped my worldview and my manners.

A note about some of the book’s conventions: I use pseudonyms in most stories and references. Actual names are not critical for the story’s purpose. In some cases, I use actual names because the reader could easily learn an identity. For example, it would be silly for me to not use the NASA Administrator’s or Deputy Administrator’s names because anyone can find that out.

I refer to Black people as “Black” instead of “African American.” This is just my preference. It reveals when I came of age and when I became more conscious of my race. Once upon a time Black people were “Colored,” then “Negroes,” then “Afro-American,” then “Black,” then “African American.” We were called other things, too, throughout history, mostly derogatory. I prefer “Black” because Black is what I was in my formative years and that is how I now identify. I am Black because much of society sees me as Black. I am Black because I like being Black, even though I am lighter-complected than my dad and darker-complected than my children.

It is my intention that by the time you finish this journey, you might have discovered a few nuggets of wisdom that are actionable for your journey. Some of the topics we’ll cover include:

· Manners: an appreciation of manners as much more than being polite and behaving civilly—but as a way to walk in the world with integrity, respect, mindfulness and compassion.

· Pink Suits—the importance of considering ideas, behaviors or actions that fall outside your comfort zone, long enough to see if they make a positive difference.

· Money, possessions, success, achievement--developing greater awareness of what matters to you beyond these concepts.

· Understanding there is no one right way to get to where you want to be.

· Momma’s Rules: not only understanding how they may apply to you but developing your own rules that serve your specific journey.

· Interviewing: being prepared for the interview you didn’t know you were having. Appreciating that, in a way, you’re always being interviewed.

· Building Your Team: the value of having a team in your life to support you.

· Decisions and Consequences: becoming better prepared to handle injustices that may invade your life.

With a cacophony of voices and libraries of books telling you what you should do to be successful, why on earth should this book be any different? Perhaps something I write about and the way I do speaks to you with resonance. If we connect on just one thing, then this book will have been worth it.

Donald James

Pleasanton, CA

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 Momma’s Rules

I begin by reviewing “Momma’s Eight Cardinal Rules of Life” for Chapter 1. I frame this book in the context of the lessons I learned from my mother, Muriel Yvonne Gassett James. After our mother died in August 2017, my brother Dennis and I went through her belongings. We found a box with several pieces of writings, sayings, and thoughts she saved. I remember her articulating many of the sayings, but I did not know she amassed such a collection. Many of the sayings were popular motivational pieces. Perhaps you have seen some in one of those pretty motivational posters with big words - ACHIEVE, EXCELLENCE, TEAMWORK, SUCCESS. In some cases, Momma noted the source of a quote. I endeavor to attribute quotes and sayings to their original source. If I missed any, it is purely coincidence. Here are what I call, “Momma’s Rules”:

#1: Make peace with your past, so it won’t screw up the present.

#2: What others think of you is none of your business.

#3: Time heals almost everything; give it time.

#4: Don’t compare your life to others and don’t judge others.

You have no idea what their journey is about.

#5: Stop thinking too much. It’s alright not to know the answers.

They will come to you when you least expect it.

#6: No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

#7: Smile. You don’t own all the problems in the world.

#8: Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

Chapter 2 Know Thyself

In Chapter 2 I argue that “one size does not fit all.” The variables are infinite and to suggest that what works for me will definitely work for you is irrational. “There are many paths to the throne.” It is critical to really know yourself and how you show up in the world – your manners – and how you see the world. More specifically, do you understand unconscious bias and how it works? It’s a form of prejudice. I illustrate this with a couple of anecdotes about how I misjudged people. The challenge is not to simply realize when you have done this but to understand the mechanisms at work that causes this. This work will help you change your patterns and “wiring” if you will to avoid unconscious bias. The key is to give your attention to what is “actually” happening, not what you “believe” or “hope” is happening. Give your attention to what you see while being careful about what you think you see AND what you concluded about what you think you see. For example, I met a man that I judged to be about 75 years old. I sensed he had a German accent. I was told he flew in the German Luftwaffe. From my observations and calculus, I concluded he was once (hopefully just once) a “Nazi.” I made this conclusion not on what was actually true, but what I believed to be true. I invite the reader to consider this in the everyday course of life, including for students and early career professionals, the time-honored milestone called “the interview”. One must understand that there is who you are, and then there is who you are in the eyes of others, and then there is what you believe others see (and say and think) about you. Understanding this distinction is a key to perfecting one’s manners. What I initially “believed” about Mr. German man, shaped my manners about him. I conclude the chapter with an examination of purpose and what my purpose is now and how purpose aligns our activities and influences our manners.

Chapter 3 Vision Accomplished

In this chapter I clarify terms, like “success”, “etiquette”, “civility”, “protocol” to help paint a richer more complex picture of manners as I see it. I also argue that “success” is an illusion and that what most people want isn’t “success” per se, but fulfillment and meaning and other feelings like joy. In writing about manners, success, happiness even, I am struck at the terms’ imprecision. Definitions and distinctions help us meaningfully understand something more clearly or provides us with an opportunity to change how we think about something. For example, I write about my purpose which is “to give”. For me, “giving” includes “giving to myself” as well as others. This reflects an active vs passive approach to working on something, whether it’s one’s health, manners, or anything else. I included this chapter, after listening to a NASA colleague, a former Astronaut, who taught me the importance of absolute clarity of communication between astronauts and mission controllers. Being clear is important. In some professions like flying, space travel, medicine, the military or policing, being both clear and precise can literally be a matter of life and death.

Chapter 4 Pink Suits: Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone

Here I introduce the metaphor “pink suits”. Learning and growing usually requires sacrifice, struggle and perhaps trying something unusual, different, outside of one’s comfort zone, or just weird. I call the weird or challenging ideas as trying on a “pink suit.” The goal is to look at something or “try on” something (e.g. a “pink suit”) in order see your experience of that from a different or unusual perspective. I share a story of an opportunity I took to leave Federal Service for a private sector position at a major aerospace company. This, for me, was a “pink suit” opportunity. Importantly, from a manner’s perspective, was how I conducted myself when my superiors at NASA gave me another pink suit to consider. It is in the transition to trying on the pink suit where our manners are important. For example, two of the most important pink suit opportunities about which one should take extra care in their manners is when you start a new job and when you leave a job, times when people tend to notice your behavior (manner). Interestingly, as the world experienced the pandemic, I would argue we collectively were given a pink suit to wear whether we wanted to or not. This has revealed interesting contrasts in how people respond to their new pink suit with quarantining, physical distancing, mask wearing and hygienic practices. We are seeing the consequences of different manners people exhibit. Most people have choices about the pink suit they are presented with and can choose whether to accept it. How a pink suit is handled is a manners matter - and that expression can be the difference between moving forward positively or not.

Chapter 5 What Elephant in the Room?

The “elephant in the room” is a famous if not cliché metaphor for that which is observed or experienced but rarely discussed or called out. Examples include the Thanksgiving dinner where everyone knows that “Uncle Joe” has a radically different perspective on politics than the rest of the family, or that most people suspect teenage Karen is a drug user, or that young Kyle is gay but no one says anything about any of these even though most are thinking about it. I write about my experiences at NASA when meetings I’ve walked into clearly had an elephant in the room. As a leader you don’t have the luxury of ignoring the “elephants”, yet the risk is high for being wrong about what you sense. How you as a leader or a family address the elephant is a manners matter. Doing it well can lead to liberation and fulfillment. Doing it incorrectly can lead to alienation, frustration and even further dysfunction. I share a very personal story that happened at NASA that could have easily gone wrong had I or my supervisor, handled a very sensitive moment differently. That we handled it the way we did had a tremendously positive impact on my professional growth. Of course, one’s ability to properly address elephants in the room depends on one’s ability to recognize them. This requires learning the skill of deep observation as well as how to probe others to learn what they see. Being skilled at recognizing elephants also means knowing that you may not be able to see something and, as such, rely on others in your trusted inner circle to help fill in gaps in your seeing. This is why diversity in an organization is so critical.

Chapter 6 My Two-Thousand Dollar Suit

In Chapter 6 I tell a fun story about the time I bought a two-thousand dollar suit due to a silly error on my part. I did this to make sure I was properly attired for my very first international business event as the new Associate Administrator for Education. This event, in Canada, included the heads of Space Agencies, including NASA’s Administrator plus several other dignitaries. The story illustrated my manners approach and why I felt it was important to spend that much money. There’s a funny twist at the end of the story that served to distinguish between similar circumstances but different people and how those distinctions drove decision-making. One of the lessons, especially for early-career professionals is that sometimes you must make sacrifices in the short run for a long-term benefit, even if that benefit is not guaranteed or obvious. This chapter also distinguishes “decisions and choices, and results and consequences.” I contend that decisions are not the same as choices and results are not the same as consequences. Decisions lead to choices. Both reside in one’s head. For example, I “decided” to lose weight and I “chose” to do the Whole 30 and not the South Beach diet. In order to get a result, I have to take an action or modify my behavior. This is the only part that will generate a result. I include “no result” as a result. Results also have consequences. Consequences have a moral/value rating: good to bad or right or wrong. Some results are very inconsequential (even imperceptible) and some are highly consequential. Manners is the middle part where action and behaviors reside. How one acts or behaves (manners) impacts the nature of the results and especially the outcome of the consequences. Considering the consequences first allows one to make wiser decisions, more effective choices and present mannerly actions and behaviors. Tackling the “low-hanging manners fruit” helps develop skills to tackle the bigger manners matters.

Chapter 7 Authentic Presence

In this chapter I use the common education acronym “AP” (Advanced Placement) to suggest a different term for “AP” – namely “Authentic Presence.” Drawing heavily on the work of Harvard Business School professor, Dr. Amy Cuddy, whose book “Presence” and her highly viewed TED talk by the same name, I discuss the importance of cultivating presence, authentic presence, as a foundational manner’s skill. I write about the distinction between taking Advanced Placement or Honor’s classes to get into “better” colleges, vs a genuine desire to learn the content. Authentic presence suggests a style and tone of good manners – the type of manners when in conversation you really get someone is “with you.” Authentic presence is more than words, it is all aspects of one’s communication, including body language. Further, I look at the extreme pressures on students (and parents) on getting into colleges and the challenges (and fallacies of) the so-called “best” schools to attend. This leads to a natural discussion on cheating (recent scandals hi-lite the problem) and an inquiry about types of cheating. Are there degrees of cheating where some is considered OK and others clearly not? We explore the slippery slope nature of this and draw parallels with seemingly innocent but inauthentic behavior. I also discuss the difference between authenticity and no filters. Authentic communication doesn’t mean that everything you are thinking must be shared. The no filters approach is often a sleeper cell for the ego.

Chapter 8 Am I Being Interviewed?

The key message of this chapter is that you are always interviewing. For sure there is the formal interview where one person is seeking a job and must meet face-to-face or remotely with the person or persons who may determine whether that person gets hired. I contend that people, especially those seeking to advance their careers, should carry themselves as if they are being interviewed all the time. I share a fictitious tale of a college engineering student who reluctantly attended a social at friends of her parents. She was approached by a man she didn’t know who struck up a conversation with her, one she wasn’t particularly interested in having. She conversed with the man while glancing around the house looking for someone cooler to talk to. What she didn’t know was that the man she met, but was cool to, was the CEO of an engineering company and he’s always looking for good talent. Unfortunately, the young lady’s manners were such that the CEO likely wouldn’t help her. I use this made-up scenario to warn that your manners will speak for you and may make the difference between landing a good job or not. I also argue that the axiom “you’re always interviewing” can be applied to other forms of an “interview.” For example, perhaps you are looking for a mate? Or you are looking for a business partner, or someone to add to your professional networks? Since this book is targeted mainly to early-career professionals and students, I am hoping to persuade them to consider their manners even when they aren’t formally being interviewed. You never know who you are talking to. I share one of my favorite, “you-are-always-being-interviewed”, stories. I met Gabriel at an event and was so impressed with him I would have hired him immediately. The only problem? Gabriel was eleven years old. The event was an airshow near one of our NASA Field Centers and Gabriel and his partner were presenting their science project at a booth we had arranged for several students. Gabriel exemplified everything I believe about manners and so I use this story to underscore that you not only never know who you may meet but that exhibiting good manners can get you noticed.

Chapter 9 Injustice and Manners

In this chapter I attempt to reconcile situations where you feel an injustice has happened, and yet you still want to exhibit good manners throughout the moment or time period the injustice weighs on your heart. Late in my NASA career I experienced a painful period when I felt an injustice had befallen me. There was no person or culprit that I could point to, blame, or fight back, yet the experience impacted my personal and professional life. I share this story as a warning to early career professionals that along their journey they may unexpectedly encounter what they feel is an injustice. Once they recognize what is happening, I argue that they are empowered to choose how (their manners) they will respond (and as distinct from “reacting”- a feeling that is difficult to control). Those choices (responses), particularly in a professional environment, expose character and often can make a significant difference in one’s career trajectory.

Chapter 10 Who’s on Your Team?

Anyone who wishes to make progress in just about anything will likely take advantage of people to help them, whether it is a therapist, a sports coach, a teacher, a mentor or a friend. In this chapter I argue that to improve one’s manners one must strategically use a team of people to help them. A personal team, drawing heavily on my own experiences, can make a significant difference for students, early-career professionals and just about anyone who is growing, whether professionally or personally. A team is not a new concept for sure. In my proposed team framework, I suggest the sources and categories for one’s team. I emphasize that not everyone in each category should be on your team. You must choose carefully. The categories start with people closest to you - the “givens”, meaning people that by default are in your world all the time. This is typically a family member or someone in your household. The next source category is your close circle of friends. Again, not everyone in your life that fits into this category are eligible to be on your team. The next source category is your professional and personal networks. You share something (a cause, an organization, a fraternity, etc.) in common with these people but you wouldn’t necessarily be close friends with any of them (although it is often the case that people transcend domains. You could end up being close friends with someone you meet at a professional association meeting.). The next source category is the professional experts. These are people who have expertise in an area that you seek. Therapists, doctors, trainers, teachers, advisors are all examples of professional experts that could be members of your team. The last category for a member of your team is unlike all the others because there are no humans in it. This is the “higher power” category and goes by many names worldwide: eternal power, universe, spirit energy, God, Source, Allah, Adonai, etc. For some people, leveraging a higher power is a simple act of meditation, or a deep breath, or a walk in the park. I don’t contend that you must have a higher power in your life to have a successful “team”, just as you may not include a “given” on your team. The latter is especially true if you come from a deeply dysfunctional or toxic family. Also, you just may not resonate with the whole notion of a Higher Power. One’s team usually doesn’t “meet” with you simultaneously. Your team members may not even know other members of your team. You cultivate a team for a purpose. It may be for health, education, professional growth, fitness, anything. My invitation is to organize a team around your manners. This is challenging because you are asking your team members to work with you on deeply personal and basic aspects of how you show up in the world. This work can even risk your relationship with your team member. So how do you organize your team?

Chapter 11 Pulling Your Team Together

The metaphor “team” suggests there are group of people organized to accomplish a task, goal or a mission. Teams can be small, medium or large and maybe organized for sport, professional programs and projects, or personal endeavors. What teams have in common is an object of their existence, generally speaking. A sport’s team’s “object” is winning, entertainment, competition, money, prestige, etc. A company’s team’s “object” may be to solve a problem, build a spacecraft, design a house, or market a new idea. A political team’s “object” may be to elect a candidate or increase voter registration. In this book I recommend that the reader organize a team whose object is the reader’s personal development, growth, or support in an area of the reader’s desire. I advocate that readers consider organizing a team to support the reader’s manners development, but a team can be for any purpose – from choosing a college or a profession, financial growth, athletic improvement, spiritual growth – anything. As mentioned in the previous chapter, your team need not meet together, in fact, I don’t recommend it. This is about identifying a diversity of people in your life whom you trust to support you. In this chapter I discuss ways to identify and enroll people onto your team. A critical requirement is an agreement that your teammate has carte blanche to communicate with you lovingly, truthfully, honestly and completely. For a teammate to have maximum impact, the communications will invariably be uncomfortable, and might even risk the relationship. Another critical requirement is for your team to be comprised of people whose abilities, in the area in which you are trying to grow or improve, exceed yours. I share a story to illustrate this point about a tennis teacher who admonished me when he learned I wasn’t playing against the better tennis players. He told me that the only way I would get better is to play against the better tennis players. So regardless of your growth focus, cultivate relationships with people who are the “better tennis players.” The key to enrolling someone on your team is authenticity and vulnerability. If a person in your life always agrees with you or tells you what you want to hear, then that is not someone suited for your team. “Friend?” For sure. “Teammate?” Pass. You want the drill sergeants’ fierce commitment and determination (without the screaming and profanity), though the latter may be the “smack upside the head” you need to wake up.

Chapter 12 Money, Brains & Success

Since Momma said manners will take you where brains and money won’t, I explore the concepts of money, brains and success. I suggest in this chapter that perhaps success is not what we really want. I am not convinced that there is a correlation between good manners and success. Remember, Momma said “Manners will take you where brains and money won’t.” She did not say “Manners will make you successful.” There are many poor people who have better manners than many rich people. I share a story of an exercise I did that had a profound impact on me and my outlook on “success”, “money” and that which I honestly desired. I invite the readers to do this exercise and use the conclusion of the exercise as a metaphor for remembering what is truly important. I also argue that if the reader authentically desires to be rich, or powerful or a collector of many successes, then I am their biggest supporter. I just ask that the reader consider these questions:

· Along your way did you help and give to others?

· Are there people better off or more enlightened because of your journey?

· Is the planet healthier, safer and cleaner?

· Is your family stronger? Safer? Healthier? More loving?

· Are you healthier?

· Is your community/country better off?

· Is the world more just?

· Was your journey more about you or something else?

· What made you happy and fulfilled?

· What did you sacrifice to be brilliant and rich? Was it worth it?

· Do people need to know how smart and rich you are?

· Were you a taker or a giver?

Chapter 13 Giving Attention

The title of this chapter is an invitation to the reader to change their language around attention. Instead of asking someone to “pay attention,” ask if they’ll “give their attention.” Instead of thinking that you are “paying attention” to someone, think, “I am giving attention” to someone. Why the distinction? “Paying” connotes a transactional relationship. Typically, one “pays” in exchange for getting something. Paying suggests a finite value of a thing purchased. There is not always a deep or lingering feeling of connection like the moment of transaction. When I first bought my car, I did have special feelings that seemed more than transactional. I still love my car, but it’s still just a car. I like my house (the edifice), but I love my home (the feeling of the house). I love gifts, but I rarely remember monetary gifts (except for the money my mom always gave me and my brother for our birthdays. The amount was always the age we turned on our birthday). When our mother died, my brother and I considered keeping her house, the one we grew up in. We had many fond memories of Christmases, Thanksgiving dinners, birthday parties, friends over, etc. We realized, rationally, that it didn’t make sense to keep it, so we sold it. An odd thing happened. As my brother and I began to discard, box up or otherwise disposition everything in the house, the “house” transitioned away from “home”, to just an edifice. By the time we were finished, I had little sentimental attachment to the physical building we once called home. Our mother was gone and so was our home. “Giving” or offering attention, contrasted with “paying” attention, infers something you want to do versus something you have to do. There is a feeling of “home” in the space. Giving attention establishes a “home” in the relationship.

Chapter 14 Manners in Practice

The final chapter is devoted to case studies in manners, both actual situations Dennis and I experienced, and made up situations to underscore a point. These situations include engaging in conversations (one-on-one and groups), being interviewed, receiving a compliment, receiving a gift, being a guest at someone’s house, and starting a new job. I point out that in some situations, a small shift in one’s manners could make a significant difference, such as the example I shared in chapter 8, “Am I Being Interviewed”, where the aloof young engineering student likely blew her chance at a summer job because she didn’t feel like “chatting it up with Fred”, the CEO of CoolTech, Inc.

Good Manners—A Way of Being (the final pages of the book, provided here verbatim)

Mastering any skill requires practice, getting your knees skinned, failing several times, learning from mistakes, being coached, struggling and risk looking foolish. This is true with mastering the art of good manners. Especially because manners can be subjective. Context and cultural norms are highly relevant. Our life experiences indelibly shape the dynamics of our responses to others. Offices, groups, teams and individuals each have histories made up of stories and values relative to their history that will influence the way their members may respond to each other, and/or to another person or circumstance. The skill of developing good manners is the skill of synthesizing variables that include conflicting data, mixed experiences, and sometimes different or even opposing values. You cannot program good manners the way you might program a robot to execute certain tasks. Good manners are an organic, dynamic and authentic way of being, with a moral dimension rooted in caring, respect and love for human beings.

I’ve learned that most people share my conviction that good manners are needed more than ever. They understand that manners are more than just civility, etiquette, or politeness. Though manners encompass a broad range of skills, manners are actually more than just skills. Manners are a way of beingthat is rooted in one’s essence.

Our society moves at lightning speed. In the rush to get to the next place—whatever that is—we need to give our attention to how we conduct ourselves. If we lose our authenticity along the way, or become numb to our humanity, then what, exactly are we so busy running toward? Maybe we are running from ourselves. We need to have an honest conversation about manners and examine its delicate and sensitive aspects, so that we are prepared for a new or vulnerable situation. Manners are complex because human dynamics are complex. One person’s assumed good manners are another’s perceived slight. Everyone, especially me, has a view about the “right” or best way to be, what defines good behavior, or what is acceptable in the home, school or the workplace. The dynamics of human interaction evolves. Rules, policies, standards, conventions of what is acceptable in certain situations evolve. What may have been bad manners when I began my career (not wearing a tie to work), may be acceptable now. What might have been tolerated then (jokes with racial or sexual overtones) could be grounds for termination now.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the stories, experiences and personal insights I’ve shared and have personally learned from. I hope the anecdotes and messages offer practical wisdom as you navigate your way to and through college, participate in a job interview and anticipate the interviews you don’t expect, or as you journey through your career. Perhaps you found guidance that improves your relationships with friends and family. The more you learn about and practice good manners, the wiser you’ll be. It is my intention that this journey inspired you to view manners as a way of living gracefully, with values of respect, kindness and compassion toward others and yourself. I hope that you’ve come to that splendid place that Dennis and I did when we became fully aware of the beneficial effects of good manners—more than our brains and more than our money. In these stories I’ve merged what my mother taught my brother and me about the importance of good manners with lessons I’ve absorbed from my thirty-five-year experience with NASA as well as my training and studies both inside and outside of NASA. My intent has been to give forward and that you found at least one point, one story, one suggestion, or one idea that will bend the arc of your path towards your rightful throne. How do you get to your throne? I’ll let Momma have the last word, as she always did:

Manners will take you where brains and money won’t.

Donald JamesSeptember 4, 2019